Deal Breakers


A friend once told me that the path to finding your person is filled with compromise. That’s fine and dandy. I can compromise. I can get better at compromising. Okay! I could consider compromising. That being said, there are some things I cannot compromise on. They are my deal breakers. These are things that make me call “Check!” even if we happen to be sitting on my couch and not anywhere near a restaurant. I made it easy for future suitors by compiling them into a list.

  1. Doesn’t like puns. This is different than groaning at puns—that actually sweetens the deal. But if someone actually hates puns, most likely they will hate me. I’m made of 65% water and 30% puns and 5% mysterious other stuff they surely covered in science class.
  1. Doesn’t like dogs. What kind of monster are you?
  1. Regular cigarette smoker. Gross.
  1. Likes cats more than dogs. Cats are evil and plotting against human kind. The only reason they have kept us alive is because they lack opposable thumbs and thus they rely on us. I can’t trust someone who likes cats more than dogs. And trust is key in a relationship.
  1. Spelling your/you’re, they’re/their/there, etc. incorrectly IF English is your first language. If I don’t break it off now, you will when my impulse to correct you every single time becomes infuriating.
  1. Overuse (or any use) of LOL. Especially if I know you are not really laughing out loud.
  1. Lying.
  1. Being rude to waiters or waitresses, or customer service folks in general.
  1. No drive. I recognize that my workaholic tendencies might very well be one of the reasons that I’m single. That said I can’t be with someone who doesn’t have some motivation or passion to do some work towards their own goals.
  1. Racism. Recognized or unrecognized. Girl, bye. We can’t date, but I am more than willing to sit down with you and try to enlighten you on racial justice and the effects of white privilege.
  1. Bullying behavior.
  1. Use of the R-word, F-word, N-word, and other derogatory terms. There are a bajillion words, surely you can find other descriptors that are not offensive. And if you can’t, I have one word for you: bye.
  1. Voted for/plans to vote for/considered voting for Donald Trump. Just no. I mean, not just no. I have a whole lot to say to you, but I’m a mature adult and I’m going to walk away. Also my editor cut out all 37 pages of venting I just wrote.
  1. Highly needy/clingy. I need my space. Sometimes I even need space from myself. I have no interest in having a partner who needs to text/call 8,000 times a day or can’t stand the idea of being apart some days/weeks.
  1. Sending just “?” texts when I don’t reply right away. Related to above. I will answer your text when I want to or I can. The more “?” or texting equivalent to the facebook poke a woman sends, the more time I wait to text. (so if stubbornness is a deal breaker for you, I guess I’m off your list.)
  1. Messy. I am fine with clutter—not hoarders level clutter but a few piles here and there is okay. I’ve outgrown my pile of dishes in the sink, dirty laundry everywhere, science experiment growing in the corner—level dirty years ago. And I can’t be a part of it now.
  1. Lots of debt/financially irresponsible. I’m not talking student loans debt. I’m talking credit card and living outside one’s means debt. I’ve heard marriage makes what’s yours mine…and I don’t want your debt.
  1. Jealousy. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a flirtatious guy. My friends will be the first to admit that I am unaware I am flirting the majority of the time. That said, I need my significant other to trust me. Checking my phone, watching over my shoulder, and getting possessive over me is not going to build trust between us. If someone is going to cheat, they’re going to do it regardless of how jealous you are. If I’m with you—I want to be with you.
  1. Baby talking. We are adults, can we talk like adults?
  1. Doesn’t like kids. A) I’m like a kid in a lot of ways so this will not work out well. B) How do you not like kids, we were all once kids!
  1. Dramatic. Go find the stage door and perform that stuff, don’t bring it into a relationship with me.
  1. Pro-life/Anti-abortion. Again, my editor cut my long rant. But, I’m strongly pro-choice and while not all of our politics have to align, this is one that does.
  1. Anti-LGBTQ. This one probably goes without saying and if it didn’t for you I’m betting we weren’t compatible for other reasons.
  1. Has an active NRA membership.
  1. Actually likes Tom Cruise. It’d be mission impossible for me to try to date you.
  1. Wants to sleep on the left side of the bed. That’s my side. Not yours. Okay, actually the middle is my side and the right quadrant is Hazel’s. So if you want to sleep in a bed with me—deal breaker!
  1. Big time partier. I spend most evenings in my rocking chair listening to John Lewis or Otis Redding records because I am a 30 year old introverted hipster who has zero interests in what’s happening around town on a Friday night, unless that happening thing is a new show on Netflix I can binge watch.
  1. Under 25. I know a couple people who will try to call me out on this, that was last year—I’m 30 now. Geez.

So what are your deal breakers? Share in the comments below.

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3 thoughts on “Deal Breakers

  1. Deal Breakers – Smoking is a big one. Does not have a job for a good reason like health condition taking care of sick family member. Must have goes.

    Must love kids does not have to have or want kids but must love kids


  2. When I was dating my big deal breaker was “m dog doesn’t like you”. Seriously, dogs are better judges of character than humans. If my dog doesn’t like you, something is seriously wrong here.


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