Reasons to Date a Trans Man

“It’s like the best of both worlds!” she said through a big white smile.

Linda and I were on our third date. On our second date I had shared with her that I identified as a trans man. At first she had gone completely silent, which is rarely a good sign. After thirty seconds she said, “okay” and shrugged. Her smile looked forced. She sipped her wine and continued, “You’re not an axe murderer too, right?” I shook my head no and she laughed. “Then I think, we’ll be just fine.” She was trying to let me know that me being trans was not a red flag or deal breaker for her, and apparently I had a lot of wiggle room because axe murderer was her only defined line.

On our third date we had gone to a botanical garden. We found a nifty bench surrounded by trees and sat down. And that’s when she exclaimed, “You know what!?”

“What!?” I asked, feigning eagerness.

“It’s like the best of both worlds!” she said with an out of place pride.

“What is?” I asked with genuine confusion.

“You being trans. It’s like the best of both worlds. Because, you know what it’s like to be a woman, but you’re a guy now. So it’s like having a best girlfriend, but as a boyfriend.” She explained with a gleeful tone, as if she had just had the world’s greatest epiphany.

This is not a reason to date a trans man. I am not the best of both worlds because I lived many years of my life pretending to be someone I wasn’t.  I am not like one of your best girlfriends because I tried to be the woman everyone told me I was for 25 years. The truth is, before I came out to myself and to everyone around me, I almost killed the woman I was pretending to be, because I couldn’t be her anymore. I hated her. I hated myself. Do not date a trans man because you want an all in one package.

An ex of mine identified as a lesbian and when she would introduce me as her boyfriend, her friends would exclaim with shock, “Your BOYfriend!? But you don’t like boys!” She would quickly explain, “Well, he’s trans.” As if it was a justifiable answer. She was trying to tell her friends that she was still an acceptable lesbian because I wasn’t a real man, I was a trans man, so see, it didn’t count.

If you are not attracted to men or you don’t want to date men, don’t date a trans man. Trans men are not faux men. We are not a justification for your over-simplification of your complicated sexuality. If you find yourself attracted to me, that has more to do with you than it ever will me.

Don’t date a trans man because he’s a trans man. Or because you need a reason or a justification. Don’t date a trans man for any specific reason or agenda.

If you find yourself in a lucky situation in which you meet and are attracted to a man who is trans, take a deep breath and get ready for a pretty normal relationship. You will make goo-goo eyes at a trans man. You will check your phone to see if he’s texted (he’s also looking at his phone for texts from you, probably.) You will go through the honeymoon-obsession-phase where you want to be with him, surrounded by his magic, all the time. You will fight with him because he will irritate the crap out of you. And he will fight with you because you can be annoying too. You will not see eye to eye all the time. He will support you when you need support, with shoulders to cry on and strong hugs of reassurance. You will support him when he needs support—and in this damn transphobic world, he will need your support. You will remind him about his weekly testosterone shot—because he forgets sometimes. He will bring you a cup of coffee when you’re too sleepy to pour it. He will kiss you on your forehead and tell you you’re beautiful, because you are. You will sneak up behind him when he does the dishes and put your arms around him and kiss his neck. He will smile. You will fight, again, because, well this time you don’t know why. You will make-up.

Date a trans man because he caught you off guard, like crushes often do. Date a trans man because you don’t know why, but he makes your heart skip a beat. Date a trans man because something just feels right between you two. Date a trans man because sometimes love doesn’t need an excuse or a reason. If you date a trans man, date him because he’s him, and that’s enough.


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14 thoughts on “Reasons to Date a Trans Man

  1. I dig this post. I personally don’t mind the “best of both” comments because I feel that for me, I learned a lot as a woman that will make me a better man. My partner sees and appreciates that about me. And I appreciate that about myself. But I understand I’m not the norm. Most trans men desire to be stealth, I don’t. I loved who I was a woman just as much as I hated her. I respect her, to deny her is to deny a side of me that made me the man that I am now. But like I said… Not everyone feels that way… And I respect that too. Please check out my website for queer clothing and accessories. Trans shirts coming soon. http://www.reignbowfolx.com

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  2. I love this post so much. I am not trans, but I know and love some trans men and I have watched them go through so much heartbreak over things just like this. They truly are amazing men, I’m blessed to love them, and all I want for them is to find the love you described here. Many blessings to you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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  3. Thank you for this, I myself, a young woman from Ohio recently had my heart broken into a million peaces by my ex. Needless to say finding love was the last thing on my mind… until a guy I worked with walked into my life, we got very close and very strong feelings developed.
    He’s trans, do I care? Absolutely not! I have always ever liked men and probably always will, do I see him as anything less then Male? Again, no.

    He finds it hard at times to except how much I love him or how I see him and his body, and that’s okay, I’ll just keep reminding him.

    I check my phone in hopes he messaged me back, I want to spend all my free time with him, he makes my heart beat and my breath short, he makes me light up.

    I’ve gone through a lot in the past, I have fears and struggles, he calms me. He is the most amazing, caring, kind human being. He listens to me when I’m upset, he cares for me when I’m hurting….. I see the heart and soul of a person first, what mattters is who they are and how they are, not the label of being trans.

    He started taking me to his appointments and was thaught how to do his shot, I am more then glad to help him with that because I know that is truly him.

    All this to say, yes you’re exactly correct, Trans men are just men, that’s the way it should be seen, and I love my man.

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  4. Nicely put. I live in a transgender friendly city, and I hear women say this all the time about transmen. As an older transgender gay man I hear it from my female friends, who constantly tell me they wish I was straight. But, since I like men, I don’t date at all.

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  5. Thank you for this.
    I was the first two women early in my boyfriend’s transition. I loved and accepted him, but did not see him wholly, and did not know how hurtful these comments were. Lucky for me, he is patient and forgiving, and made space for me at a time when he did not have much to give. He transitioned, and I transitioned into a better human and partner.
    My only note is that he would NEVER forget his shot. He is the most organized person I’ve ever met.

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