I’m going to be single forever because five months ago while using Tinder, I swiped left on my soulmate. She’s gone. I will never find her and she will never know that I would have swiped right on her every single day for the rest of our lives.

For those of you who do not know what Tinder is, or think I’m talking about the beginnings of a fire: 1) have you been living under a bundle of tinder for the last year? 2) I envy your naivety around this online dating world that I wish I’d never entered. Let me break it down for you. Tinder is a phone based dating app that connects through your Facebook (to make sure you’re a real person—which, for the record, is a terrible identity verifier) and shows you fellow tinder users within a certain mile radius. Basically Tinder uses Facebook and GPS as matching tools. You then swipe left if you are not interested in the person or swipe right if you are interested in the person. If they are also interested Tinder will notify you of your match and allow you to chat with them. The one redeeming quality about Tinder is that you can only initiate a conversation with a person if they have also expressed interest in you by swiping right.

One problem among many with Tinder (besides that gross misogynistic men use it to try to harass women into having sex with them) is that the swiping can get confusing. And why did Tinder add super like? Do you know how many women I have accidentally super liked? That’s embarrassing. That’s like running up to a friend you haven’t seen in a long time, while yelling their name, but just as you wrap your arms around them, realizing you are yelling and hugging a stranger. You can’t take that moment back and you can’t take super likes back. In their eyes you are permanently the over-eager guy.

You also can’t take back left swipes. Well you can if you pay Tinder, but I’m not paying Tinder. Love should be free! Besides, if it’s meant to be, a left swipe won’t extinguish the flames of love between my soulmate and me. I’m sure we will meet another way.  Like at a bar I never go to or those crowded events I never attend. Well, at least I have Hazel (my dog) and this bottle of wine. Correction: This half a bottle of wine.

This brings me to a question, in this world of modern dating where online dating and app based dating are becoming more popular, how do you meet people without them? I spoke to some friends who met their significant other offline.

1. Through mutual friends. (well, my friends are clearly not willing to play match maker.)
2. At a bar. (people still do that?)
3. Co-ed Dodgeball. (I guess they hit it off.)
4. At a training.
5. At a wedding. (Hopefully they were both guests)
6. At work.
7. In High School (are you two in a Disney movie right now?)
8. College party.
9. It was an arranged marriage.
10. In a yoga class.

And a bonus story that is just annoying:

11. She interviewed me for a job. I didn’t get the job, but I got my future wife. (Umm, excuse me—what? Did you just tell me a Nicholas Sparks plot line? Are you for real, Brad*) *not really named Brad, but should be.

Did you meet your significant other offline? How did you meet them? Share in the comments.

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